I think this guy was expecting me to come to my own defence
pretty quickly when he asked this. I think he expected something like, “Issues?
I don’t have issues. I’m a cool girl! I don’t have annoying things like issues.”
Instead, I said, “No, but I do have really good intuition
and 20 years of dating wisdom. Are ya nervous?”
He deleted me.
I guess some dudes still think that cutting a woman down is
the best way to get them into bed. It’s ‘a’ way that sometimes works but it’s
incredibly toxic in that it comes from a selfish place. It’s funny how the
easiest way to something is usually the most destructive.
What men such as Gary, 41, don’t realise is that “trust
issues” don’t belong to women. They don’t spring from inside us like some kind
of spontaneous well. We aren’t inherently broken. What men call trust issues, I
prefer to call impeccable intuition coupled with infinite wisdom.
The term ‘trust issues’ is on par with calling a woman
‘crazy’. It’s aimed to undermine us by putting the blame on us, suggesting we
are broken and cleverly avoiding men any culpability. When men are in fact
often responsible for said issues.
But there is nothing wrong with observing a pattern of behaviour in others, identifying that it is toxic and then choosing to protect ourselves by avoiding it. Choosing not to trust someone who displays red flags or toxic behaviours and traits is not ‘trust issues’, it’s woke AF. It’s the red flags that are the problem. It’s men adopting behaviours that make them untrustworthy and then refusing to acknowledge these behaviours that is the problem. But due to men pretty much being able to do whatever the fuck they want, including shifting responsibility for their own behaviour to women, we get branded with ‘trust issues’.
You may be able to trick a woman into sleeping with you, but
you can’t shame a woman into trusting you. Trust needs to be earned. You are
not entitled to it. Just like you are not entitled to our bodies or our time.
I know I am not the only woman who has received this request
from a stranger I have just met on a dating app.
“What’s your success rate with this method?” I asked one gent.
“Not good” he replied.
I don’t know if it’s my age, the rapidly changing dating
landscape or the fact that men can ask these things in a virtual space without
the threat of being slapped or branded a perv, but never in my life have I had
more men offering to eat my ass than I have had in the last year. Dudes wanna
do it, they wanna receive it and they ain’t afraid to talk about it.
Has it actually increased in popularity though or are people just being more open about it now?
Perhaps it all comes down to porn, which seems to be the main thing informing our sexual landscape right now, but either way, it’s definitely a new standard feature in the bedroom and one that men and women are growing more comfortable talking about.
When I have asked people about eating ass, it usually elicits three very distinct responses, laughter, embarrassment and disgust. The ones who laugh almost always are interested in it but aren’t comfortable talking about it, the embarrassed ones have usually done it and liked it and the disgusted ones exclaim that it’s gross because poo comes out of there. Fair enough. But urine comes out of penises and vaginas and the odd vomit has come out of everyone’s mouth at some point, and we still put our mouths on those.
Some guys find the actual stigma of ass eating arousing. The
fact that it is considered dirty or shameful is a one-way ticket to turn on
town for them. Others claim that it’s no different to going down on a girl and
some claim they only give it to receive it.
But how do women feel about it? Many I have talked to are too embarrassed to try it, a lot feel demeaned by it but quite a few have admitted to enjoying both giving and receiving it.
But it’s not just ass eating that has risen in popularity. Thanks to shows like Broad City, “pegging” has become a more accepted act for straight men too. For those who are unfamiliar, pegging is when a woman wears a strap on and penetrates a man. Until a couple of years ago, I’d never heard of pegging and no man had ever asked me to do it. In the last year, I have matched with several men on dating sites who are in search of the mythical Pegasus.
Butt stuff is certainly making its way from more of a fetish item to a mainstream one. Being that the stigma of butt stuff for men is no longer a question of their sexual persuasion is also a factor, which I think is freeing for a lot of heterosexual men.
Mainstream or not, I still don’t think it should be a topic anyone broaches with a stranger or someone they have only just met. And whether you like giving or receiving, consent, as always, is paramount. Just like trying to ‘sneak anal’ is not okay without permission, eating ass needs to be consensual too. It needs to be a mutual sexual quest for glory and if one of the involved parties is not into it, then it should immediately cease.
Bottom line is, there’s nothing wrong with it. But I still
think a dude ought to take a lady out for a drink before measuring her up for a
harness or requesting to put his mouth anywhere near her butt.
But let me tell you, men, it is NEVER okay to attempt stealth
anal with a woman, whether it’s the first time you have slept with her or the
fiftieth, it is NEVER okay to try and put it in her butt without talking about
When you’re in the bedroom with someone who has consented to
sex, you still need to navigate what is okay and what is not okay. Saying yes
does not mean your partner has resigned any boundaries she may have. They still
exist and you need to respect them.
“Some girls like it though,” men will protest. Anal? Sure. Some
girls really do love it in the butt and more power to them. But stealth anal?
Anal without warning? Never. And I’ll tell you why. There is a certain level of
preparation required for these things. You cannot just try to “slip it in”,
mate. And unless you have a penis the size of a number 2 pencil, you won’t be
just “slipping it in” to my butthole, dude. Butts are tight and for GOOD
REASON. They are designed that way On PURPOSE. And I get it, that’s why you
wanna put your penis in there because it’s gonna feel great, but you can’t just
whip your dick out and shove it in my anus without warning, unless you’re
looking to get slapped.
When it comes to anal, I need written warning. I need five
days notice. I need to make a chart. There needs to be lube upon lube upon lube
and just when you think you have enough lube, there needs to be more lube. I
need to pray on it. I need to talk to my therapist. I need to conduct a survey.
I need to perform a ritual. I need to commence a six week training program. Then
and only then, may we proceed with the anal.
I know that due to wonderful things like porn, that this may
come as a surprise to many straight men. That thanks to porn many men are under
the impression that women are just automatically ready to receive an erect dick
in their butt, but let me tell you this, I know quite a few gay men who have had
it in the butt and even they have cringed when I have told them my horror
stories of attempted stealth anal from men.
Foreplay is an absolute MUST, no matter what hole it is
Guys, let’s be real, if it was reversed and a girl stealthily
whipped out a strap on and shoved it in your butt without warning, you would
probably not be okay with that. You’d want warning, perhaps to have a
conversation about it first, and at the very least, I would think you would
want her to warm you up a bit first, utilise some lube and make sure you were
ready for it before she just forced it in there.
Warning. Communication. Consent. Foreplay. WCCF, people! It’s the same acronym for World Club Champion Football.
I’m not saying you have to turn it into a science experiment or a lecture on anatomy. But there needs to be conversation, you need to check in with your partner, make sure they are enjoying themselves, and that the pleasure is mutual, because sadly, pleasure is something that is still very one-sided and very geared towards male pleasure even in 2019.
I can tell almost instantly if a guy I am sleeping with
watches a lot of porn because I myself have watched it too. Female pleasure is
still something that the porn industry is catching up on. And while there is
porn out there that is more geared towards female pleasure, it’s still
relatively non-existent in that world. Sure there’s a lot of panting and
squealing and moaning going on – but these women are paid actors, people. It’s
their JOB to look like they’re having a great time. But men taking this as
gospel, and using it as a model for the bedroom only leads to disappointment,
confusion and in extreme cases, pain, for one or both parties involved.
If only we had some sort of vehicle to teach young men about
their bodies and women’s bodies and how sex works and how to negotiate it and
why pleasure for both sexes matters…what a different world we could live in.
Because we don’t have this, I’ve rarely had men ask me what
I like in the bedroom, and when I was younger I used to just put up with bad
sex because I didn’t realise it could be better or that I was allowed to ask. Now
I know better. But if you’re unsure if I want you to put it in my butt or not,
never fear, I’ll let you know.
The bottom line is, women are still being reduced to mere vehicles
for male pleasure in the bedroom, which not only dehumanises them but denies
them any kind of agency. In the butt, in the vag, in the mouth – wherever it
goes, men need to spare a thought for whether their partner is enjoying it or
not and if they’re unsure, there’s a sure-fire way to find out – just ask.
When is the right time to have sex? Can I have sex on the
first date? I don’t want him to think I’m a slut. If I don’t make him work for
it, he’ll never respect me, right?
I don’t know the answers to these questions.
In a perfect world, the answers would be: ‘There is no right
time’, ‘If you want to have sex on the first date, go for it!’ ‘What’s a slut?’
and ‘He should respect you no matter what!’
Unfortunately, I have to live in this one.
But there is more to sex than timing. Sex is an interesting energetic vehicle. I didn’t realise when I was young how much my self-esteem was tangled up in it. How being intimate with the wrong people, with people who didn’t really care for me, would affect my sense of self, my sense of power, my sense of self.
There is so much power in the act of sex, there is an energy that can be created, an electric force that is born from two bodies joining. This force can be healing, it can create a charge and in turn, it can energise us.
I remember fantasising about sex when I was a kid. What was it going to be like the first time? Who was it going to be with? What would he look like? What would I be wearing? Where would it happen? Of all the questions, there were two things I was sure of, we would love each other and it would be the best experience of my life.
Needless to say, when I finally had sex for the first time I
was wildly disappointed. I remember thinking; is this it? Is this what I have been waiting for this whole time? It
took me four years after my first sexual experience to have sex with another
man. It took me even longer to have an
orgasm during sex. Up until then, I didn’t really understand what the big deal
was about. I even actively avoided having sex for a good while because without
even the flickering hope of an orgasm, sex is pretty boring and very few guys
that I had sex with even knew what foreplay was or much less cared.
So I began a full-blown study of self-exploration. If I
didn’t know what was going to get me off, how could I expect a partner to? I
also started practising with my boyfriend at the time, started to figure things
out. Started to learn what worked for me and what didn’t. Started to be more
vocal about what I wanted, what I needed. It wasn’t love-making, it was an
exploratory task, a science experiment. I cared for my partner at the time but
it wasn’t anything close to love, so after the exploring was over, sex became
empty, it became a chore. I got bored. We broke up. But I never forgot my
lessons and sex soon became an exciting prospect again.
Over the years, I’ve talked to many women about sex and have been surprised at how many have confessed they have never achieved an orgasm from sex. Some of them have just been unlucky, a few bought into this idea that they were incapable of achieving an orgasm, and quite a few were just too embarrassed or ashamed to explore their own bodies. When I questioned them about what happens when they masturbate, many have confessed that they don’t feel comfortable doing it. It is possible that they just don’t want to confess to me that they touch themselves, female masturbation still carries the stigma of shame for many women. But I wonder how the hell a dude is supposed to know what turns a woman on if she has no idea?
It’s not our fault. Sexual empowerment is still a grey area for many women because in many ways we are still not allowed to be sexual beings. We are certainly not allowed to be sexual beings in the same way that men are.
When I was younger, I thought I had to submit to my partner, that being too sexually empowered would be intimidating, that I might be mistaken for a slut. Nowadays, I don’t give a fuck. If a man is intimidated by my confidence in the bedroom, by my needs, he probably shouldn’t be in my bedroom in the first place. My needs are just as important as my partner’s and the days of me being a mere vehicle for a man’s sexual release are gone. I am not a receptacle. I am a conduit for energy. I am a motherf***ing witch, a goddess, a sorceress.
I’ve spent my whole life believing I owe men something. That
by not giving them sex when they want it, I am selfishly keeping something from
them that is rightfully theirs. I am shamed for not giving it away and when I
do, I am shamed for that too. I am shamed if I give it away too quickly, often
abandoned if I wait too long. And God forbid I make a man ‘work for it’. Shame.
Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. I feel like Cersei making her walk of atonement in
King’s Landing. It’s a game I cannot win.
There are also the men (and more often than not, young boys) who seem to be under the illusion that they can trade acts of minimal kindness or compliments for sexual acts. But sex is not currency and neither are kind acts and compliments. People should be kind because it is an ethical, compassionate thing to do, they should give compliments because it makes another person feel good, not because the giver expects something in return. Who is teaching our boys? Who is educating them on how to negotiate sex, how to understand consent?
I sold a guy some concert tickets once and after picking them up from my house, he messaged me a few days later asking for a date. When I declined with, “Oh thanks, but no,” he responded with “Fucking slut.” The weird thing is, even after this overblown, aggressive response, I still felt guilty for saying no.
But we should be able to say no, at any point, to any advance and not have to feel shitty about it. I should be able to want what I want without feeling guilty about it, without feeling less than.
If I just want to be your friend, I shouldn’t have to explain that. If I don’t want to talk to you at all, I shouldn’t have to explain that either. I can’t wait til we get rid of the term friend-zone, which only serves to further institutionalise this ridiculous notion that women owe men sex and that women are not in charge of their own bodies.
The sad thing is, we’re not. Not really. Our bodies still belong to men and to other women and to advertising and to the government and to our parents – to anyone but us. I have spent my entire life trying to claim my body back, to raise a flag, to make me my own again. I don’t need some dude on a first date or a second date or a third date pressuring me into sex, pressuring me into anything I don’t want to do. If you wanna have sex, have it. If you don’t, walk away, you don’t owe him anything. The only person you owe in a situation like this is yourself.
This just in: the new way to woo a woman is to send her a
picture of your penis.
In many ways I don’t understand this phenomenon and in other
ways I do. On the one hand, a guy wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, pull
his pants down and start helicoptering his dick in her face and hope for a
date. On the other hand, guys watch a lot of porn and no one appears to be
helping them out with any guidance.
But never in the history of the civilised world has a man
wooed a woman with the sheer power of his mighty dick.
If you want to woo a woman, woo her with your words, listen
to her, be interested in her life and chances are she’ll want to see your dick.
You won’t have to send it to her, unsolicited, and hope that its raw power
means you won’t have to bother with any of those other things like being
charming and funny or giving a shit about her day. Newsflash, dudes, you ALWAYS
have to bother with those other things.
Those other things are what make a woman interested in sleeping with
you, not an out-of-context, photograph of your anatomy. It’s like looking at a
science book: sterile, dry and largely disinterested. Emotionally I have no
connection to it. The emotional connection is what is going to make it
Women enjoy dicks but they like all the things that come
along with them too. Sending a dick pic is a lazy way to woo. It’s like
screwing a girl and ignoring what she wants in bed, then expecting her to be
impressed that you never turned her on, or worse, claiming to be baffled by
female anatomy and actually feeding the myth that it’s difficult to get a woman
off. Anything is difficult if you know nothing about it and aren’t willing to
And yet, men are just sending pictures of their dicks and
hoping this will be enough to get women to sleep with them. No woman has ever received
a dick pic and been so consumed with passion, that’s she’s jumped into an UberX
and raced over to a dude’s house to get up on that sweet, irresistible rod.
At first I blamed pornography. All men have to do in a porno
is get their dicks out and women and its suddenly the rapture. Women
immediately go to work on that glorious D like it’s nobody’s business. But porn
is not real life. Porn is so far from real life that real life is on earth and
porn is basically on Tatooine (for those not up on their Star Wars, Tatooine is
in a galaxy far, far away – like really far). Yet men are using porn to inform
their behaviour when it comes to sex.
And why are they using it to inform their behaviour? Because
where else are they going to find out? We don’t teach kids effective Sex Ed. We
might teach them basic anatomy, we might teach them how sex works from an
anatomical point of view but what we don’t do is teach them how to negotiate
sex, what consent is and why it’s important, what the difference is between sex
and intimacy. We don’t teach them about pleasure and agency and respect. Sometimes
kids gets lucky and they have parents who help them with this sort of stuff but
let’s face it, few kids want to talk to their parents about sex and fewer
parents would even know what to say that wasn’t purely anatomical.
When men send a dick pic, there’s no doubt they are trying
to be appealing but what many men fail to realise it that when they haven’t met
a woman yet, when they are basically strangers, there is no trust and without
trust, naked pictures featuring erect penises actually more threatening than
enticing. When I see pictures like this, I don’t think “Wow, let me pop right
ever to inspect that more closely,” I think, “This guy could physically
overpower me if he wanted to.” And that is frightening.
When a guy sends a pic like this, he is telling me a lot of
things. The first is that he is very low investment and just looking for sex,
the second is that this entire interaction is about him and his needs and his
desires. The third is he is telling me that I am merely a receptacle for these
needs and desires. He could also be telling me he is a sex offender.
I have asked for a dick pic before. Something that Cormac,
34, promptly told me I shouldn’t be telling guys about. “Jesus, there’s just
some things you don’t say to guys. Sorry, but I can’t see myself with someone
who asks men for dick pics.” Thanks for the judgement, dude, and good luck
finding a suitable partner without access to a time travelling Delorean. Thankfully,
I can’t see myself with a judgemental prude that shames me for being open about
bodies and sex. Note to future partners: I have seen dicks before.
But back to the other dick. The way this guy described his
penis made me think Damn,I gotta see this D. I asked to see it
and he refused to send it unless I was absolutely sure I wanted it. He said he
didn’t want to scare me away. I was intrigued by this A+ penis. Scare me away?
Exactly how big was this beast? After a bit of umming and ahhing, he finally
sent it… and let me tell you friends, it did not disappoint. That penis, my
friends, was mighty, and about as close to perfect as I have ever seen. I was
compelled to make a little crown for it. Pretty sure a ray of sunlight from the
heavens above was the only thing he used to light the pic.
Solicited dick pics are very different to unsolicited dick
pics and the point of difference is consent. In a porno, whether it seems like
it or not, there is consent present. The guy isn’t really a school teacher and
that isn’t really his sixteen-year-old student. The director has gone through
the scene with both of the actors. The actors know each other, they know what
to expect, they know what the boundaries are. But as the audience we don’t see
that part, we just see the finished result. That doesn’t mean consent is not
If you do receive unsolicited dick pics and you aren’t quite
sure how to deal with them, here’s a life hack: save all the unsolicited dick
pics you receive and then when you receive a new one, send one of the saved
ones back. There is no limit to how offended men become when you send them
another man’s dick. They just can’t understand why anyone would send that to
Perhaps we didn’t respond fast enough. Perhaps we didn’t respond at all. Or perhaps, God forbid, we politely declined his advances. But all of a sudden his ‘Hey babes, hi darlings, and his “Um, are you still theres?” turn to pure vitriol. Suddenly you’re getting “You’re ugly AF” or “Maybe you should try to lose some weight” or the ever accusatory and entitled; “You’re the same as all the others.”
Ah yes, all the others that expect to be treated like human beings and not just faceless, voiceless, opinion-less receptacles for unwanted “compliments”.
Most of these guys I just delete, but sometimes I question why they would react like that. Strangely, not one has ever apologised for speaking to me that way, not one has apologised for making me feel uncomfortable, not one has admitted that they didn’t realise they were offending me and assured me it wouldn’t happen again. Not one has apologised for being presumptuous or pushy or entitled to my time and attention. Not one has apologised for being flat out rude. Not one.
The most common reaction is actually explosive anger, followed by the age-old accusation that I need to learn how to take a compliment. Excuse me, sir, but you need to learn how to give one.
Then there’s the tirade of insults, abuse and sometimes even physical threats. In short, these men that are self-proclaimed gentlemen in their bios, suddenly become mean, offensive and often frightening.
I assume it’s more manly to react to these situations with anger? Because God knows in 2018, it would be completely inappropriate for men to respond to rejection with sadness or vulnerability.
There is also this crazy idea of just shrugging and moving on, but perhaps we can revisit that possibility in 2075.
I know I should be grateful for the fact that these men are even speaking to me. I know that at my age, thirty-eight, I should be thankful for their attention, and most importantly, I know I should be grateful that they want to fuck me in the ass until I bleed. That last one was a particularly romantic suggestion from Matt, 33, frighteningly located 500 metres away from my house. Wow, thank you soooooo much. And thanks to all the guys who have reminded me just how lucky I am to have their attention in this geriatric period of my life. I am basically an old maid now. Dried out, shrivelled up, ready to be put out to pasture.
“Maybe you should be thankful for these dick pics you’re getting. You’re almost forty. You won’t be getting any dick pics then.” Thanks, Peter, 46. Can I be forty now, please? But more on dick pics in another post.
It is tough dealing with men at the age of thirty-eight. Getting them to give a shit about what I think and say, getting them to take me seriously, to treat me with respect and dignity. But it was also tough at twenty-eight and eighteen and eight. It’s always been tough. It’s going to continue to be tough until we start to change the culture that puts women second, a culture that suggests we are just here to be subservient to men, a culture in which there are far more consequences for women than men, a culture that allows white men to basically do whatever the fuck they want without any consequence at all.
Nobody likes being rejected (it sucks for women too) but it only seems to be men that react with violence. I have been rejected by men but I have never verbally abused them for it, I have never yelled at them for leading me on, I have never threatened to strangle them or stab them. God knows I have never tackled a guy in a football jersey and then when questioned about it, answered with, “Well, look at what he was wearing, he was clearly asking for it.” But I have sadly been on the receiving end of all this behaviour from men (not the football jersey part because football – ew) and I know I am not alone. In 2019, women are still being berated and blamed for saying no.
It’s not just rejection rage that women have to deal with either. I have been sexually harassed too. I had one guy hound me with messages for weeks about “how good he could eat my pussy”. Fifty-six is the number of times this guy used the word ‘pussy’ in messages to me. Finally I had to threaten to go to the police with his messages if he didn’t leave me alone, which only turned the sexual messages into threatening ones and then finally dismissive ones. “You’ve probably got a smelly pussy anyway.” Guess you’ll never know, Jeff, 43.
Blocking and reporting is an option but if they already have your phone number, it gets a little trickier. Once they have your phone number, blocking and reporting is not really an option. I could block their number but they don’t know I have blocked them. So they can continue to text. What if they get more and more aggressive? What if they threaten physical violence? How will I know ow scary they have become if I have blocked them? So I have to put up with these awful texts, just to be safe, until they give up or find someone else to harass.
We shouldn’t have to get to the Block and Report stage. Men just need to behave better. Men would not be able to behave this way in a bar or a café or at work without being asked to leave or without having a drink thrown in their face. But unfortunately in the online world, men get away with this behaviour all the time because there is little that victims can do except attempt to ignore the behaviour, block and report, and hope they don’t figure out where we work or worse, where we live.
But there have to be boundaries and consent matters. Just because a female is on a dating site does not mean she is ‘asking for it’ or that this sort of behaviour should be expected, accepted and tolerated. To assume the act of simply being on a dating site is an invitation to sexual harassment is not unlike blaming a victim of rape for attending a party.
This just in: men are able to control themselves.
And as a result, they must be held accountable for their words and their actions.
Even if women are on dating sites purely in search of casual sex, there have to be boundaries and consent matters. Respect also matters. But there are a lot of men on these sites who think that if a girl is up for casual sex, she does not deserve respect, and that simply isn’t true. Can we please move on from this tired stereotype of women who enjoy a lot of sex being denigrated as sluts and men who enjoy a lot of sex being celebrated as gods? It’s 2019, people.
Digital mediums, like dating apps, mean that men can stand at arm’s length from their behaviour, that men can avoid being accountable for their words, but wouldn’t it be great if this kind of behaviour didn’t even cross their minds? If this kind of behaviour didn’t even exist? Men are not blind suitors, fumbling in the dark for a light, and I don’t think they are as clueless or blameless as they claim to be when someone calls them out on their shitty behaviour.
It’s so hard. How are men supposed to know how to treat women in this era of #metoo, where men can’t even sexually assault women anymore without being held accountable? How can men be expected to know what is okay and what is not okay in this culture of hyper-feminism in 2019?
So what happens when you match? I find that I either get no response at all or we have a great chat for a day or two and then I never hear from them ever again.
“What happened to that guy you were talking to?”
Sometimes I like to make up elaborate reasons for their disappearance…
“It appears he’s gone off to war, and if he doesn’t die on the frontline I can expect a response from him in three to five years.”
“I think I saw him on 48 Hours last night.”
“He’s walked headfirst into a Netflix marathon that will last the rest of his natural life.”
In the past, I just assumed when the conversation died that a guy had met someone else. But then I thought, if I’m thinking that, they might be thinking that too. So now instead of giving up right away, I send a cute, quirky, non-threatening follow-up text anywhere between four days and a week later. I usually send something like, Jonathan, it was brief but beautiful or RIP James,gone too soon. What might have been… If a guy has a sense of humour, he’ll respond. If he doesn’t, we probably weren’t a good match to begin with. The same goes for if he’s intimidated by my humour, or feels the need to tell me what I should and should not be saying and doing under his “FEMALE” stereotype. Eep! Run for your life!
Sometimes they have indeed met someone else (I’ve had that happen in a record seven minutes once. Seven minutes, man). But sometimes they’ve just been busy. So with the follow up text, what I am essentially doing is making contact in a non-threatening way. I am not reprimanding them for not following up with me, I am not putting them down or judging their lack of interest or investment, I am simply saying, “Hey! I’m still here, I’m still single and I’m still interested.” You can’t expect someone to invest everything in you before you have even met. And giving someone a break doesn’t make you a push over. I just think a lot of people get caught up in life, let the conversation die and don’t know how to start it back up again. Somebody has to take the first step. Sometimes I get a bite, “Oh man, hello, I’m sorry, I’m so bad at this, I just didn’t know how to respond to your message.”, Sometimes I don’t… *crickets chirping* Sometimes I only end up going on a few dates with them in the end, but the point is, had I not sent that follow up text, I never would have gone on a date with them at all.
I think women are often worried that if they chase men they may come off as desperate. But there’s a difference between coming off as desperate and showing someone that you are assertive and know what you want.
And besides, at the end of the day, you don’t know how many other people your match has matched with. You are in competition and you’re in it all the time. There are no rules about how many people you can talk to at once in the dating game. You could go on a date with a different man every night of the week if you wanted. I know people that have had several dates in one night.
When I meet someone that I really like, I immediately abandon my dating apps. But that’s because I am only looking for one. My goal is to meet one person that I can hang out with over and over again. But not everyone has that same end in sight and that’s where it gets tricky.
One guy I was seeing actually brought up a dating app on his phone while we were on an actual date and showed me another girl he’d been chatting to. I remember chuckling outwardly but inwardly I was wondering what the fuck was going on. Several things went through my head – why is he showing me this? Is this supposed to be cute? Is he trying to be funny? Is he showing me my competition? What is he trying to achieve here? Should I get my app out and show him his competition too? How am I supposed to respond to this? And finally, wow, I actually liked this dickhead.
In the end I had to assume this was just his way of indicating that our “situationship” was only ever going to be casual. That he just wasn’t that into me. It was disappointing. But it got me thinking…not everyone is like me. Not everyone dates one person at a time. And now, more than ever, people are keeping their options open. Everyone wants someone smarter, hotter, more successful. We live in an age of upgrading and upsizing, of getting in over our heads, of living beyond our means, wanting more, more, more. We live in a disposable culture and we are more than comfortable with disposing of each other.
Look at The Bachelor. This program normalises this behaviour. One guy dating twenty-five women at once. It made me start to wonder how many other women the guys I was matching with were seeing. What was my competition like? Was I on real life Bachelor and didn’t even know it? What could I do about it?
The answer is, basically nothing. There’s no use obsessing about all the other people your match is matching with, meeting up with, hooking up with. All you can do is keep looking, stay positive and hold fast to your own standards and boundaries.
Of course, this is if you even make it to the dating stage. I have matched with plenty of men I’ve never ended up meeting. For every guy I have met who is looking for something more than a hookup, I have met ten just looking for sex, I have met twenty that have a girlfriend and are just looking for a distraction, thirty that have just been dumped and are looking for an ego boost and about a hundred creeps that just like to send offensive messages to women so they can get off or prove that they are in control. A lot of guys use it because they are bored or just want attention.
At least when guys are just looking for sex, you can generally tell straight away because they are very low investment from the start. They skip straight from the “Hi, how are you?” to “So do you like anal?” or “Send nudes” or “Wanna see my dick?” The concept of a natural progression is usually foreign to them. They think, “Hey beautiful, want your pussy pounded?” is an appropriate opening line. I can’t understand how the answer would be anything other than “No, thank you.” I guess guys think that women like sexually assertive men, so they think comments like this make them sound like lords, but it’s actually the opposite. It exposes them as inexperienced and completely out of touch with what women actually want. Nobody wants their lady parts “pounded”. Even the rise of the term “smash” has a negative connotation. “Wanna smash?” My phone? Yes. Into a million pieces. Like, thanks, Hulk, but I’m pretty busy these days. Every day. For the rest of the life. I do not want to smash. *Buys fifteen chastity belts for protection*
The good news is, whatever a guy is looking for, you’ll usually find out pretty quickly, unless they are a master catfish. But if a guy is showing signs that he ain’t worth shit, then chances are he ain’t worth shit. Moreover, he is unlikely to change. And as compatible as you think you might be, if a guy ain’t ready, you can’t waste your time waiting. I’ve missed opportunities while busy chasing the wrong ones. So now, if a guy is showing signs of low investment, if he is offensive or entitled, or just plain rude, I delete and move on. It doesn’t matter how cute he is, how complimentary he is or how great his ‘eggplant emoji’ is, if a man is not invested, neither am I. And the beauty of the dating app, is that you can just delete him and never have to speak to him or think of him again.
PSA: for this reason, I would not suggest linking your Instagram account to your dating app, nor indicating where you work, or giving your number out too soon, as it gives strangers access to you and your world outside of the app and to be fair, this person is stranger. Put yourself and your safety first, frens.