Stealth anal: What is it? Why is it?

Stealth anal.

It’d a thing. I wish it wasn’t.

But let me tell you, men, it is NEVER okay to attempt stealth anal with a woman, whether it’s the first time you have slept with her or the fiftieth, it is NEVER okay to try and put it in her butt without talking about it first.

When you’re in the bedroom with someone who has consented to sex, you still need to navigate what is okay and what is not okay. Saying yes does not mean your partner has resigned any boundaries she may have. They still exist and you need to respect them.

“Some girls like it though,” men will protest. Anal? Sure. Some girls really do love it in the butt and more power to them. But stealth anal? Anal without warning? Never. And I’ll tell you why. There is a certain level of preparation required for these things. You cannot just try to “slip it in”, mate. And unless you have a penis the size of a number 2 pencil, you won’t be just “slipping it in” to my butthole, dude. Butts are tight and for GOOD REASON. They are designed that way On PURPOSE. And I get it, that’s why you wanna put your penis in there because it’s gonna feel great, but you can’t just whip your dick out and shove it in my anus without warning, unless you’re looking to get slapped.

When it comes to anal, I need written warning. I need five days notice. I need to make a chart. There needs to be lube upon lube upon lube and just when you think you have enough lube, there needs to be more lube. I need to pray on it. I need to talk to my therapist. I need to conduct a survey. I need to perform a ritual. I need to commence a six week training program. Then and only then, may we proceed with the anal.

I know that due to wonderful things like porn, that this may come as a surprise to many straight men. That thanks to porn many men are under the impression that women are just automatically ready to receive an erect dick in their butt, but let me tell you this, I know quite a few gay men who have had it in the butt and even they have cringed when I have told them my horror stories of attempted stealth anal from men. 

Foreplay is an absolute MUST, no matter what hole it is going in.

Guys, let’s be real, if it was reversed and a girl stealthily whipped out a strap on and shoved it in your butt without warning, you would probably not be okay with that. You’d want warning, perhaps to have a conversation about it first, and at the very least, I would think you would want her to warm you up a bit first, utilise some lube and make sure you were ready for it before she just forced it in there.

Warning. Communication. Consent. Foreplay. WCCF, people! It’s the same acronym for World Club Champion Football.

I’m not saying you have to turn it into a science experiment or a lecture on anatomy. But there needs to be conversation, you need to check in with your partner, make sure they are enjoying themselves, and that the pleasure is mutual, because sadly, pleasure is something that is still very one-sided and very geared towards male pleasure even in 2019.

I can tell almost instantly if a guy I am sleeping with watches a lot of porn because I myself have watched it too. Female pleasure is still something that the porn industry is catching up on. And while there is porn out there that is more geared towards female pleasure, it’s still relatively non-existent in that world. Sure there’s a lot of panting and squealing and moaning going on – but these women are paid actors, people. It’s their JOB to look like they’re having a great time. But men taking this as gospel, and using it as a model for the bedroom only leads to disappointment, confusion and in extreme cases, pain, for one or both parties involved.

If only we had some sort of vehicle to teach young men about their bodies and women’s bodies and how sex works and how to negotiate it and why pleasure for both sexes matters…what a different world we could live in.

Because we don’t have this, I’ve rarely had men ask me what I like in the bedroom, and when I was younger I used to just put up with bad sex because I didn’t realise it could be better or that I was allowed to ask. Now I know better. But if you’re unsure if I want you to put it in my butt or not, never fear, I’ll let you know.

The bottom line is, women are still being reduced to mere vehicles for male pleasure in the bedroom, which not only dehumanises them but denies them any kind of agency. In the butt, in the vag, in the mouth – wherever it goes, men need to spare a thought for whether their partner is enjoying it or not and if they’re unsure, there’s a sure-fire way to find out – just ask.

Just ask, dude.

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