This just in: the new way to woo a woman is to send her a picture of your penis.

In many ways I don’t understand this phenomenon and in other ways I do. On the one hand, a guy wouldn’t walk up to a woman in a bar, pull his pants down and start helicoptering his dick in her face and hope for a date. On the other hand, guys watch a lot of porn and no one appears to be helping them out with any guidance.

But never in the history of the civilised world has a man wooed a woman with the sheer power of his mighty dick.

If you want to woo a woman, woo her with your words, listen to her, be interested in her life and chances are she’ll want to see your dick. You won’t have to send it to her, unsolicited, and hope that its raw power means you won’t have to bother with any of those other things like being charming and funny or giving a shit about her day. Newsflash, dudes, you ALWAYS have to bother with those other things.  Those other things are what make a woman interested in sleeping with you, not an out-of-context, photograph of your anatomy. It’s like looking at a science book: sterile, dry and largely disinterested. Emotionally I have no connection to it. The emotional connection is what is going to make it interesting.

Women enjoy dicks but they like all the things that come along with them too. Sending a dick pic is a lazy way to woo. It’s like screwing a girl and ignoring what she wants in bed, then expecting her to be impressed that you never turned her on, or worse, claiming to be baffled by female anatomy and actually feeding the myth that it’s difficult to get a woman off. Anything is difficult if you know nothing about it and aren’t willing to try.

And yet, men are just sending pictures of their dicks and hoping this will be enough to get women to sleep with them. No woman has ever received a dick pic and been so consumed with passion, that’s she’s jumped into an UberX and raced over to a dude’s house to get up on that sweet, irresistible rod.

At first I blamed pornography. All men have to do in a porno is get their dicks out and women and its suddenly the rapture. Women immediately go to work on that glorious D like it’s nobody’s business. But porn is not real life. Porn is so far from real life that real life is on earth and porn is basically on Tatooine (for those not up on their Star Wars, Tatooine is in a galaxy far, far away – like really far). Yet men are using porn to inform their behaviour when it comes to sex.

And why are they using it to inform their behaviour? Because where else are they going to find out? We don’t teach kids effective Sex Ed. We might teach them basic anatomy, we might teach them how sex works from an anatomical point of view but what we don’t do is teach them how to negotiate sex, what consent is and why it’s important, what the difference is between sex and intimacy. We don’t teach them about pleasure and agency and respect. Sometimes kids gets lucky and they have parents who help them with this sort of stuff but let’s face it, few kids want to talk to their parents about sex and fewer parents would even know what to say that wasn’t purely anatomical.

When men send a dick pic, there’s no doubt they are trying to be appealing but what many men fail to realise it that when they haven’t met a woman yet, when they are basically strangers, there is no trust and without trust, naked pictures featuring erect penises actually more threatening than enticing. When I see pictures like this, I don’t think “Wow, let me pop right ever to inspect that more closely,” I think, “This guy could physically overpower me if he wanted to.” And that is frightening.

When a guy sends a pic like this, he is telling me a lot of things. The first is that he is very low investment and just looking for sex, the second is that this entire interaction is about him and his needs and his desires. The third is he is telling me that I am merely a receptacle for these needs and desires. He could also be telling me he is a sex offender.  

I have asked for a dick pic before. Something that Cormac, 34, promptly told me I shouldn’t be telling guys about. “Jesus, there’s just some things you don’t say to guys. Sorry, but I can’t see myself with someone who asks men for dick pics.” Thanks for the judgement, dude, and good luck finding a suitable partner without access to a time travelling Delorean. Thankfully, I can’t see myself with a judgemental prude that shames me for being open about bodies and sex. Note to future partners: I have seen dicks before.

But back to the other dick. The way this guy described his penis made me think Damn, I gotta see this D. I asked to see it and he refused to send it unless I was absolutely sure I wanted it. He said he didn’t want to scare me away. I was intrigued by this A+ penis. Scare me away? Exactly how big was this beast? After a bit of umming and ahhing, he finally sent it… and let me tell you friends, it did not disappoint. That penis, my friends, was mighty, and about as close to perfect as I have ever seen. I was compelled to make a little crown for it. Pretty sure a ray of sunlight from the heavens above was the only thing he used to light the pic.

Solicited dick pics are very different to unsolicited dick pics and the point of difference is consent. In a porno, whether it seems like it or not, there is consent present. The guy isn’t really a school teacher and that isn’t really his sixteen-year-old student. The director has gone through the scene with both of the actors. The actors know each other, they know what to expect, they know what the boundaries are. But as the audience we don’t see that part, we just see the finished result. That doesn’t mean consent is not there.

If you do receive unsolicited dick pics and you aren’t quite sure how to deal with them, here’s a life hack: save all the unsolicited dick pics you receive and then when you receive a new one, send one of the saved ones back. There is no limit to how offended men become when you send them another man’s dick. They just can’t understand why anyone would send that to anyone…

“I know, dude, kinda weird, amirite?”

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