So what happens when you match? I find that I either get no response at all or we have a great chat for a day or two and then I never hear from them ever again.
“What happened to that guy you were talking to?”
Sometimes I like to make up elaborate reasons for their disappearance…
“It appears he’s gone off to war, and if he doesn’t die on the frontline I can expect a response from him in three to five years.”
“I think I saw him on 48 Hours last night.”
“He’s walked headfirst into a Netflix marathon that will last the rest of his natural life.”
In the past, I just assumed when the conversation died that a guy had met someone else. But then I thought, if I’m thinking that, they might be thinking that too. So now instead of giving up right away, I send a cute, quirky, non-threatening follow-up text anywhere between four days and a week later. I usually send something like, Jonathan, it was brief but beautiful or RIP James, gone too soon. What might have been… If a guy has a sense of humour, he’ll respond. If he doesn’t, we probably weren’t a good match to begin with. The same goes for if he’s intimidated by my humour, or feels the need to tell me what I should and should not be saying and doing under his “FEMALE” stereotype. Eep! Run for your life!
Sometimes they have indeed met someone else (I’ve had that happen in a record seven minutes once. Seven minutes, man). But sometimes they’ve just been busy. So with the follow up text, what I am essentially doing is making contact in a non-threatening way. I am not reprimanding them for not following up with me, I am not putting them down or judging their lack of interest or investment, I am simply saying, “Hey! I’m still here, I’m still single and I’m still interested.” You can’t expect someone to invest everything in you before you have even met. And giving someone a break doesn’t make you a push over. I just think a lot of people get caught up in life, let the conversation die and don’t know how to start it back up again. Somebody has to take the first step. Sometimes I get a bite, “Oh man, hello, I’m sorry, I’m so bad at this, I just didn’t know how to respond to your message.”, Sometimes I don’t… *crickets chirping* Sometimes I only end up going on a few dates with them in the end, but the point is, had I not sent that follow up text, I never would have gone on a date with them at all.
I think women are often worried that if they chase men they may come off as desperate. But there’s a difference between coming off as desperate and showing someone that you are assertive and know what you want.
And besides, at the end of the day, you don’t know how many other people your match has matched with. You are in competition and you’re in it all the time. There are no rules about how many people you can talk to at once in the dating game. You could go on a date with a different man every night of the week if you wanted. I know people that have had several dates in one night.
When I meet someone that I really like, I immediately abandon my dating apps. But that’s because I am only looking for one. My goal is to meet one person that I can hang out with over and over again. But not everyone has that same end in sight and that’s where it gets tricky.
One guy I was seeing actually brought up a dating app on his phone while we were on an actual date and showed me another girl he’d been chatting to. I remember chuckling outwardly but inwardly I was wondering what the fuck was going on. Several things went through my head – why is he showing me this? Is this supposed to be cute? Is he trying to be funny? Is he showing me my competition? What is he trying to achieve here? Should I get my app out and show him his competition too? How am I supposed to respond to this? And finally, wow, I actually liked this dickhead.
In the end I had to assume this was just his way of indicating that our “situationship” was only ever going to be casual. That he just wasn’t that into me. It was disappointing. But it got me thinking…not everyone is like me. Not everyone dates one person at a time. And now, more than ever, people are keeping their options open. Everyone wants someone smarter, hotter, more successful. We live in an age of upgrading and upsizing, of getting in over our heads, of living beyond our means, wanting more, more, more. We live in a disposable culture and we are more than comfortable with disposing of each other.
Look at The Bachelor. This program normalises this behaviour. One guy dating twenty-five women at once. It made me start to wonder how many other women the guys I was matching with were seeing. What was my competition like? Was I on real life Bachelor and didn’t even know it? What could I do about it?
The answer is, basically nothing. There’s no use obsessing about all the other people your match is matching with, meeting up with, hooking up with. All you can do is keep looking, stay positive and hold fast to your own standards and boundaries.
Of course, this is if you even make it to the dating stage. I have matched with plenty of men I’ve never ended up meeting. For every guy I have met who is looking for something more than a hookup, I have met ten just looking for sex, I have met twenty that have a girlfriend and are just looking for a distraction, thirty that have just been dumped and are looking for an ego boost and about a hundred creeps that just like to send offensive messages to women so they can get off or prove that they are in control. A lot of guys use it because they are bored or just want attention.
At least when guys are just looking for sex, you can generally tell straight away because they are very low investment from the start. They skip straight from the “Hi, how are you?” to “So do you like anal?” or “Send nudes” or “Wanna see my dick?” The concept of a natural progression is usually foreign to them. They think, “Hey beautiful, want your pussy pounded?” is an appropriate opening line. I can’t understand how the answer would be anything other than “No, thank you.” I guess guys think that women like sexually assertive men, so they think comments like this make them sound like lords, but it’s actually the opposite. It exposes them as inexperienced and completely out of touch with what women actually want. Nobody wants their lady parts “pounded”. Even the rise of the term “smash” has a negative connotation. “Wanna smash?” My phone? Yes. Into a million pieces. Like, thanks, Hulk, but I’m pretty busy these days. Every day. For the rest of the life. I do not want to smash. *Buys fifteen chastity belts for protection*
The good news is, whatever a guy is looking for, you’ll usually find out pretty quickly, unless they are a master catfish. But if a guy is showing signs that he ain’t worth shit, then chances are he ain’t worth shit. Moreover, he is unlikely to change. And as compatible as you think you might be, if a guy ain’t ready, you can’t waste your time waiting. I’ve missed opportunities while busy chasing the wrong ones. So now, if a guy is showing signs of low investment, if he is offensive or entitled, or just plain rude, I delete and move on. It doesn’t matter how cute he is, how complimentary he is or how great his ‘eggplant emoji’ is, if a man is not invested, neither am I. And the beauty of the dating app, is that you can just delete him and never have to speak to him or think of him again.
PSA: for this reason, I would not suggest linking your Instagram account to your dating app, nor indicating where you work, or giving your number out too soon, as it gives strangers access to you and your world outside of the app and to be fair, this person is stranger. Put yourself and your safety first, frens.